Smalltalk

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it
was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You
know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."


2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later
"Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of >water?"
"No, you had your chance before Lights out." Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad...." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank
me, can you bring a drink of water?"


3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into
mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's
sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"


4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was
tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The
mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear,"she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by
his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."


5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she
sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.
Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the
pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."


6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year
old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the
shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her
tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"


7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son
of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you
doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom.""And
this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes,"
He answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day,
"What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we
are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say
two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped
laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM
OF WHICH, is four."


8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken
Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken
Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ". and so Chicken Little went
up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is falling! '"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that
farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he
said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the
next 10 minutes.


9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane
Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't
you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but
mother says I'm not."


10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with
the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys,
they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I
can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father she stands
next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a
snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on
your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to get boobs too."